Thursday, October 7, 2010

Carnac the Magnificent : 2010/11 Blackhawks Predictions

The day of reckoning is finally here. Opening night in the NHL, and the first Blackhawks title defense in almost half a century. All summer long, whether it was the dopey bandwagon fans or the idiot interweb wise asses with their "haterade", not many people have given the team a chance to repeat. Lets face it, repeating in ANY sport is difficult, and with roughly 30% of your roster playing elsewhere this year, it will be a battle. Since every other person with a keyboard or a 3G phone is giving their prediction, I figure that I'd be the odd asshole out, if I didn't give mine. So without further ado, drumroll please...

The answer is: 45-28-9...45-28-9
The question is: What will the Blackhawks record be on April 11th, 2011?
The view is that the team had an excellent year last year, but there will be many more periods of struggling this season. They open up without the person that was their best powerplay quarterback, Brian Campbell. There will be chemistry problems, and more lineup shifting than we're accustomed to, but Quenneville will find a way to make things work. Making the playoffs is the goal, and they will do that easily.

The answer is: 69 minus 10...69 minus 10
The question is: How many games will Marty Turco start?
The view is that Turco is the old, and by old I do still mean younger than me, mule that "Q" will ride into the sunset. Age or injuries aside, that's what Marty the Midget is use to. He took his benching last year in stride, but he knew he was leaving. He didn't sign a one year deal at a highly discounted rate here to watch Corey Crawford eat up minutes, and because Turco the anti-Huet, Crawford will be required to play less.

The answer is: 33-20-6...33...20...and 6
The question is: What will Marty the Midget's record, at season's end?
The view is that Marty is the man, and there is no need to crowbar Corey Crawford in there. Marty will be fine, and he will set the regular season assist record for Blackhawks goaltenders.

The answer is: Shooter's McDreamy understudy, The Swedish Rocket
The question is: Who is Carnac's pick as biggest surprise Blackhawk player?
The view is that there is a new gunfighter in town ,and his name is Victor Stalberg. By gunfighter I don't mean sniper, although I have a sneaking suspicion that he'll score quite a few. I mean resident panty dropper. Once the puck bunnies get a load of this guy, Sharpie's woman can finally breathe a sigh of relief. On the ice, he has all the tools to be a solid power forward, he just needs to apply himself. He had a slow preseason, but showed flashes of blazing speed and soft hands. I'm sticking by my pre-preseason pick.

The answer is: Big Hoss, and Patrick the Pimp
The question is: Who will lead the team in goals, and points?
The view is that Hossa has looked, far and away, the most dominant Hawk since February of last season. When he has the puck, it doesn't leave his stick until he wants someone else to have it. Chuck Norris will be wearing a Marian Hossa costume for Halloween. The Hoss, not to be confused with the Hoff, will probably eclipse 40 goals, and could net somewhere in the high 40's. Not a bold prediction, I know, but a safe one. Kaner will lead the team in points, because he is simply a point producing dynamo, as well as a drunken bar slut magnet. The only thing that will slow him down is the women hanging on his pant legs. When Kaner is done beating the women off with his Stanley Cup ring wearing pimp hand, he'll be a scoring and passing machine. Look for 35 goals and 60 assists. He's improved his goal scoring every year, and not even hot tubs full of champagne and Wrigleyville hussies can slow him down.

The answer is: Drew "Dont You" Doughty
The question is: Who will unseat Keith as the Norris Trophy winner?
The view is that the NHL has been hyping Doughty since the day after Keith won it. If it were up to me, Keith would get a 5 year lease of it, but the league is pushing younger stars to bring in the youth. It's quite amusing that at 27, anyone would be considered old, but Keith will continue to be a candidate for years to come. Keith would gladly let Doughty borrow it for a year while he wins another cup, I'm sure.

The answer is: Vancouver CaFucks
The question is: Who is Carnac's pick to win the Western Conference?
The view is that I hope I'm proven wrong, but I see the CaFucks finally making a move to the next level. They stocked up on defense and Luongo doesn't have to deal with the Big Fluff this year. Tomax and Xamot are a fierce ginger duo with some crazy telepathic powers. The LA Kings are also going to make a run, but they are a few years away. The popular pick is Detoilet, but they are another year older, and more fragile, and I refuse to believe that they defy nature. I hope I'm proven wrong, and the Hawks repeat, but it's a competitive league.

The answer is: Philly Cheesesteaks and Pittsburgh Black Lung
The question is: What teams will be teams to beat in the East?
The view is that the two Pennsylvania teams are powerhouses. Philly's defense got BETTER, if you can imagine that, and Pittsburgh is an offensive juggernaut. If Philly can figure out their goaltending sitiation, they'll be just fine. War-shing-ton and Bawston will have something to say, but the road to the Eastern Conf is Route 76, and it goes from Philly to Pittsburgh. With the Capitals goaltending situation, they are better playing without one and putting an extra defenseman out there. Boston has some promise, and a talented young goalie, but I still don't see a great deal of offense from them.

There you have it. Those are my random predictions. If anyone wants my opinion on other subjects, feel free to email them to me at

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