• Welcome to the all new, redesigned Puckin Hostile

    The goons here at Puckin Hostile have completely redesigned the website, to better enhance your experience no matter what devices you surf with.

  • The Puckin Hostile Blackhawks Shoutcast

    Join the Hostile crew for this bi-weekly look at the NHL and Blackhawks hockey. Of course, it just wouldn't feel right without plenty of inappropriate jokes and references. Available on iTunes and Soundcloud.

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    If you're one of those Facebook users like the Puckin Hostile page. Click here to be taken over to our page.

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    Head over and follow the Puckin Hostile Instagram page. We post up all the latest photoshop creations for you to enjoy. Click here to be taken over to our page.

  • Follow the guys on Twitter

    Follow Gatekeeper (@PuckinHostile), Stankus (@Patrick_Stankus), Bryan (@AtomicFroster), Norton (@PDNorton3), and the Shoutcast account (HawksShoutcast) on Twitter.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Puckin Hostile Shoutcast
Episode 82


In this season wrap-up 82nd Puckin Hostile Shoutcast (the Alexandre Fortin episode) Gatekeeper, Fatrick, Bryan, Norton and grisled Shoutcast vet John Jaeckel of Hockey Buzz talk about the Blackhawks embarrassing and disappointing first round playoff exit.


The topics discussed include:
-Hawks swept by the Perds in the first round
-Blackhawks fans were fed a healthy helping of humble pie
-We all have some harsh realities for the Blackhawks
-Mike Kitchen fired. How many more shoes will drop?
-Hawks players seem hesitant to play in the IIHF World Championships.
-Listener/Reader questions
-Big thank you to all the readers and listeners as we go on hiatus for a bit, to decompress and prepare for the off season.
-And of course, as always, an abundance of extremely inappropriate references, jag-douchery, and jokes in incredibly bad taste

Fatrick doesn't miss a trip to the drive thru:

You can find the episode on iTunes by following this link: iTunes

Get the Shoutcast directly though Soundcloud here:


For all your custom jersey needs visit Black and Tan Sports at:
http://www.facebook.com/BlackAndTanSports
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Friday, April 21, 2017

Puckin Hostile
"The Day After"


(nice 1983 made-for-TV-movie reference that hardly anyone will get, Gate)

I just wanted to formally throw out my Hostile postmortem, following last night's horribly disappointing sweeping of the Blackhawks.

Some of you will be disappointed that this is not a formal McPology, though, however.


It has been almost exactly 7 years that I have been doing this site, and we have grown more than I could have ever imagined. We have "fives" of fans around the world, a moderately successful podcast, and an actual team of slovenly contributors. I literally could not continue this website, though, without the help of my Puckin Band of Brothers:

Patrick Stankus came on a few years ago, on a whim, and he honestly saved this website. I was at a point where the commitment was simply too much to do alone. I was whittling the content down to weekly wraps and quickly losing steam. I came up with this silly idea for something, not as time consuming, where I could blow off a little steam and have some fun. The Shoutcast was born. #Fatrick was just going to come on as the initial guest, based on our past coach/player relationship (not that kind of relationship, sickos), but episode 1 was so fun that we just kept going. He soon left the site he was writing for and jumped on this Yak Service flight 666. This flight actually got off the ground, and the rest is Hostile history. We all give him a ton of crap, most of it probably deserving, but I simply could not keep this place afloat without him. Behind the scenes he is an enormous (in stature and influence) contributor behind the content we provide. I love the guy like a brother, and I don't think I could ever thank him enough for hanging in here with me.

Bryan/AtomicFroster was yet another whim. A hilarious fan and #Fatrick nemesis that I decided to surprise #Fatrick with on a Shoutcast episode and he never left; well for good. A career shift has limited his involvement, but he keeps our international numbers up. That silky voiced hoser has dropped some of the best one liners in Shoutcast history. Look no further than "fives of fans" or "Mrs. Slurpee".

Norton. Our U17 demographic and future brother-in-law of #Fatrick. He won the draft contest to come on for a Shoutcast, last year, and immediately fit right in. We didn't kidnap and brainwash him or anything. We swear! Luckily for us, he could figure out his way around a keyboard, as well. He has been a life saver for #Fatrick and I. Able to jump in at a moments notice and take some of the load off our plates. Unlike the rest of us, he will actually be continuing his education next year, but I'm sure he'll be sniffing around.

Even, for as much shit as we give him, Derek left his mark on the site. There are still several photoshops still floating around from him, and the source of endless pot shots for #Fatrick when there is a lull in the action.

This summer will be eventful, fans. The entry draft will be here in Chicago. The expansion draft will cause some drama. There will be organizational moves. We will have some interesting stories to cover. I look forward to the next chapter in the growing "graphic novel" called Puckin Hostile. There will probably be some adjustments for next season. I'd like to take on a couple more contributors, so I can focus on more of the organ-I-zation, as a whole. Provide more media content. Actually introduce myself to my kids, and spend time with my fiancé.

Anyhow, I want to make sure I thank all the friends of the site, and podcast guests. Without them, we're just a few #FatAndOutOfShape, basement dwelling, loudmouthed bloggers and a skinny silky Canadian. John Jaeckel from Hockey Buzz, Jay Zawaski from the Score 670, Greg Boysen for LetsGoHawk.net, James Neveau from NBC Chicago Sports, Keith/Colin/Mario/Jake/Aaron/Sean and the rest of the crew from Blackhawk Up, Mike "FigSigArts" Figueroa, John and Jacob from Talkin Hawks, William/Animal Mother from The Biscuit podcast, Billy "Fat tits, freckle face" Beck, and The Hockeenight guys (Forklift and CT). The list goes on and on.

Most importantly, Thank YOU, the fans. We love to hear ourselves talk, but we actually do this for you. From Beth Sweeney in Rockford to Mary Chastain in Oklahoma City. From Berns in South Africa to JMac in Australia to Heloiza in Brasil. Even the Chicago contingent of Wm_J_Lepetomane, ChiBDM, and all the crazies we correspond with on a daily basis, as well as all the various Facebook commenters and Instagram followers

Before we decompress, and probably take a few weeks to catch up, we want to know what you fans would like to see. Take a minute to let us know what you'd like to read about, or hear about on the Shoutcast. Maybe you have a guest in mind. Maybe you would like us to have more special segments. Maybe you would like to volunteer someone for "Win A Date With Fatrick".


Alright, no one would even wish that on their worst enemy...
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NHL PLAYOFFS
Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators
4-1 Loss & 4-0 Series Sweep Recap

"Cowboys From Hell"


By Patrick Norton

I’ve started and scrapped eight recaps from tonight’s game. I just can’t seem to put the disappointment into words. Obviously, we’re all a little pissed off and it’s deserved. The inevitable blame game has begun through friendly discussions, social media and group texts. When the Predators scored their fourth goal, my brother texted me wondering if I had set up the “juju” that comes out every playoff season ever since the Blackhawks trailed the Red Wings three games to one in 2013. Not even the shrine of pucks, rally towels, bobbleheads, and red paper over the light bulbs could save the demise of the Blackhawks this time around. 

And that’s when it struck me; I won’t have the chance to watch any playoff hockey with my brother this year. He’s off at school and wasn’t coming home for another two weeks, so typically the deep runs provide the best chances to watch playoff hockey together. Through the series's versus the Ducks and Lightning in ‘15, even the heart wrenching loss to the Kings in ‘14 (in which my brother and I were at Game Seven of the WCF), and to the incredible comeback against Detroit and the eventual 17 seconds Cup win against the Bruins in ‘13, my brother and I have experienced the best of the best in playoff hockey together. That’s what really kills me. It stung against the Blues, but at least the Hawks put up a fight. This time around, you could just tell that it wasn’t happening and from different regions of the US, we both watched as the Blackhawks were swept away.

And just like that, it’s over. The reunion with Brian Campbell and Johnny Oduya: over. The hope of completing the improbable with a roster full of rookies: over. Recaps for Puckin’ Hostile: over. A lot came to an end when the final whistle blew, but I think the hardest to cope with is what begins and what arises from this pathetic playoff performance. Until October, we’ll hear of the greatest collapse the hockey world has seen in recent memory and we’ll hear fans, analysts and writers questioning the personnel on and off the ice. Sure, there’s blame to go around, but does that mean clear house? Absolutely not, but a few changes might be in order. Luckily for our readers and listeners, Gate, Fatrick, Bryan, myself and Double J himself, John Jaeckel will attempt to sort through the muck and the sour taste left in our mouths by this series with a playoff recap and an offseason preview shoutcast next week. Until then, that’s enough hockey for a while. Don’t ask me who I’m rooting for now because at this point in time, I couldn’t care any less. (Probably New York or Washington, though) I need a hockey detox for a few days. And hey Blackhawks, next year, if we’re going to lose in the playoffs again, can it not be to a team that will never shut up about it again? Like the Flames or Oilers? Thanks.

Anyways, I really enjoyed bringing my thoughts to a page this season and I cannot thank our listeners and readers enough for the support they’ve thrown our way. How many seventeen year old bloggers can be welcomed by a community with open arms and not be frightened away? Probably not many, but somehow this all worked out. And while the recaps are finished until October, us meatballs aren’t going anywhere (except for me going to Kansas). We’ll all be here, God willing, next season to bring you the same subpar content we always have. And while I think it’s important to thank all of you, none of this happens without the hilarious content my three partners in crime have provided. 

Bryan, everybody's favorite Canadian, has always been able to provide me with a laugh, whether it be on the shoutcast or in our group messages. Patrick “Fatrick” Stankus and I clicked on day one. Not only do we both live with our parents, but we both have great senses of humor and a similar body shape.

At last, The Gatekeeper. We connected through Twitter and I happened to come up with the best idea for an offseason fun draft and was able to join a shoutcast. In all honesty, I just followed these guys on Twitter, but had never listened to a shoutcast. I was extremely confused because I couldn’t place a voice with a name. I actually thought Derek was Bryan and Bryan was Derek. I thought it was odd that Fatrick continually made fun of “Derek” because I couldn’t stop laughing at “Derek’s” jokes. It was only in post-recording when Gate told me I had it backwards. That should’ve been the end of my story with Puckin’ Hostile, but early in the season, someone couldn’t recap a game, so I Semborski’d and stepped up to the plate. I thought I swung and missed, but Gate and the rest of the crew credited me with a solid RBI bloop single. A couple of weeks later, I joined on as a full time recapper. Soon after that, I made my second appearance on a shoutcast and soon after that, Derek made his last. Gate helped me through every step of the way and that’s the honest truth.

I can’t thank these three men enough for what they’ve done this year. It’s been a pleasure being able to write for Puckin’ Hostile and I cannot wait to crack out the classic “Good, Bad, and Ugly” format next year. 

And while I hope next years results don’t make for another somber series recap, nothing is guaranteed. That is except for one thing… we’ll be right back here next season rested and ready to go. Now have a good night, hold your head up high because we’ve still won three cups in eight years and as always, don’t be a meathead.

Oh wait… I was supposed to recap the game? Blackhawks lost the Predators, 4-1 and lost the series, 4-0. We were slow, sloppy and out of touch. Can’t put all the blame on the rookies when Keith, Seabrook and Oduya played like they had a 9 am tee time tomorrow morning. And don't deny that just because Keith put a nice jolt into somebody in the third period. After that, they went flat again. Yet, Kempny was decent and deserves more playing time next season and TVR played like he wanted a Game Five. Our forwards continually dumped and chased, which is fine if it works, but it never opened up the middle of the ice because the Hawks couldn’t win any puck battle. Crawford was okay, but when we needed him to stick with it, even when all hope seemed lost, he looked lost in the crease. We scored two powerplay goals and one even strength goal this series. Pekka Rinne would’ve tied for most points had he played for the Blackhawks. Marian Hossa played a more youthful game than almost everybody, including silly mistakes like the overtime turnover in Game Three, but he still played his ass off. Ryan Hartman turned into Andrew Shaw for some reason. Predators fans suck. Artem Anisimov played through his ankle injury and it was quite apparent he wasn’t 100%. Literally the only players you can’t shovel any blame towards would be Scott Darling and Michal Rozsival because they never played. I don’t know, that was tough to watch. I’m interested to see what happens in the coming weeks.



How about that for a recap?
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Saturday, April 15, 2017

NHL PLAYOFFS
Blackhawks vs Predators
5-0 Shutout Loss Recap

"Death Becomes My Light"

by Gatekeeper


Leave it up to the Blackhawks to create some drama when it's not needed. After a game one shutout loss, the Nashville Predators gained just a bit more momentum in this opening series. Like I said Thursday night, though, I'm not worried one bit, and neither should any of you. The Blackhawks have often start playoff series slowly. They will recover. Quenneville did a little lineup shifting for this game, which was expected, but nothing significant. Unless you're a huge fan of John Hayden or Jordin Tootoo, that is.

The first period of game two started almost exactly like game one. The Blackhawks came out with some serious pressure, which resulted in nothing. The Predators turned the play around and scored on one of their first chances, with under five minutes burned. This, once again, gave the Preds some life. This also forced the Blackhawks to claw and scratch back to gain some momentum and pressure. For the period the Preds led in shots 12-7, which cannot continue.

In what seems to be a pattern, the Blackhawks came out in the second period, put on some pressure, and gave up a goal on one of Nashville's first chances of the period. The Blackhawks then blew another powerplay, and the Preds answered with another goal. This was possibly the most frustrating period possible. If you look at the numbers, the Hawks actually out shot the Preds 14-10, but no one watching felt that.

The Blackhawks were nothing, if not consistent, in this game. They had chances but, as has been the norm, the Preds turned a single chance into a goal.

This game was bullshit.

Screw the shots on net.

I'm not wasting more time than I need to on this. Allow me to be silly while I attempt to hide my immense frustration...

Full disclosure, here, I was looking for GIFs for this stupid recap and this one below came up. Absolutely, made me bust into laughter. Thank you, Internet!

The Good


The Bad
  • With only thirty seconds gone in the first Viktor Arvidsson got a partial breakaway, but missed the net. Seconds later, #DickFuckingPanik rocketed a snapper off the post.
  • The Blackhawks powerplay was, once again, fuh-king awful. You have to take advantage when you get these advantages and the Blackhawks just pissed away chance after chance.
  • With about six minutes left in the second period, even Quenneville's line blending shit sandwich did no good. Some fourth line plug named Colton Sissons parked his awful, slow ass in the crease and just hacked away at a loose rebound, while Johnny Oduya and Nik Hjalmarsson just let him. Goal, and queue up mass anxiety.
  • I'd go into more detail on the Johansen and Fiala goals, but I'm putting in the same effort the Blackhawks did.

The Ugly
  • Four minutes into the first period, Ryan Ellis had his long point shot blocked nicely by Panik, but the puck ended up right back on the stick of Ellis. Ellis let a shot go trough the screen of Arvidsson and past Crawford. The Screen definitely affected Crawford's position and view of the shot. Not the best goal given up, but not the worst.
  • Three minutes into the second period Harry Zolnierczyk jumped off the bench on a change, behind the Blackhawks defense and was hit for a breakaway. Zolnierczyk fended off Johnny Oduya and chipped the puck up and over Corey Crawford's glove for a 2-0 Preds lead.
  • Ryan Hartman not only channeled his inner Andrew Shaw, late in the game, by pissing his pants on a clean offensive chance, but he came back on the other end and took a horrible, possibly suspension earning, stick foul on Craig Smith.
  • For the second game in a row, we were left asking, "What the hell are you doing, Duncan Keith?". He was having some serious issues controlling the puck in the offensive zone.
  • Also, for the second game, PK Subban was almost invisible. For all the teeth gnashing over that trade last summer, Shea Weber has been the bigger acquisition. Not only was he invisible but he had a BRUTAL turnover right next to his own net. This is scary if he actually heats up.

The #Fatrick Stankus Fatsy Stats


The Lineblender
Left Wing - Center - Right Wing
Hartman - Toews - Panik
Panarin - Anisimov - Kane
Schmaltz - Kruger - Hossa
Rasmussen - Kero - Hinostroza

Keith - Hjalmarsson
Oduya - Seabrook
van Riemsdyk - Campbell


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Thursday, April 13, 2017

NHL PLAYOFFS
Blackhawks vs Predators
1-0 Shutout Loss Recap

"Some Pain Will Last"

by Gatekeeper


The official chase for the Stanley Cup started Thursday night at the United Center as the paranoid Nashville Predators took the trek north to face the Western Conference Champs. Despite all the tangible statistics indicating that the Blackhawks have owned the Preds all year, a disturbing number of alleged big brain people claimed that the Blackhawks weren't going to make it past seven games in these playoffs. I'll let the series speak for itself before I really let loose, but I cannot imagine how this is even remotely possible. For christ sakes, the Los Angeles Kings, who just missed the playoffs and fired both their coach and GM, led the league in 5vs5 Corsi. You know who else beat both the Blackhawks and Preds? Carolina. Another non playoff team. Montreal was third in the league and lost 2-0 to the Rangers just the other night. Corsi can indicate some useful metrics, but just vomiting out Corsi numbers to predict playoff series outcomes is an asinine practice. The Blackhawks led the Predators in both goals per 60 minutes and goals against per 60 minutes.

Allow me to redirect, though.

The Blackhawks came into this series "completely" healthy, which is to say that all expected starters would be available. They were, no doubt, nursing injuries and the top of that list was center Artem Anisimov. Thursday night's game was his first game back after taking a scary spill a month ago and missing a bunch of games. There is no way he went from "barely skating" to "completely healed" in a matter of seven days. We'll see just how effective he is after being on the shelf for a couple of weeks.

The first period did NOT have a playoff feel to it whatsoever. The Blackhawks opened up a 5-2 shot lead, but a lazy defensive play gave the Preds an early lead. The rest of the period was basically all Predators after that. The shot total leaned pretty considerably in favor of Nashville when the horn sounded, 11-6. I can't say I was worried by either the score or the shot totals.

Even though the Blackhawks were awarded a powerplay just seconds into the second period, they couldn't tie the game. Their pressure didn't stop there, though. Before the Preds knew what hit them the Blackhawks were holding a 10-2 shot lead just halfway through the period. The Predators were in some serious trouble, for a good majority of the middle frame, and desperately hung on to their one goal lead. When the second horn rang out, the Blackhawks had a 12-4 period shot lead and an 18-15 lead on the night. Again, though, it did not have the aura of a playoff game.

Not much changed in the third period, as the Blackhawks spent a majority of their time in the Preds end of the ice, peppering Pekka Rinne with shots to the tune of 7-2 in the top half of the period. The Blackhawks even got a late powerplay that they failed to even get a shot on net during. When all was said and done, the Blackhawks were shutout 1-0, even though they out shot the Preds 29-20.

This is hardly concerning. There is no way that Rinne or the Preds can continue this pace. The Dam will break and it'll flood.

The Good
  • Corey Crawford wasn't spectacular, but he did give his team plenty of opportunity to win this game. When you lose 1-0, it's never the goalie's fault.
  • That said, broken ol shithip Pekka Rinne played great. The Preds had no business winning this game, yet here we are. Twenty nine saves and the whitewash.
  • Some of the Blackhawks big money players logged some insane ice time. Patrick Kane played 24:23, Artemi Panarin played 21:31, and Jonathan Toews played 20:38.
  • As much as it pains me, I have to give Trevor van Riemsdyk some credit. He firing the puck like Shea Weber and the shots were getting through to the net. I wish I could say as much for the other 5 defensemen, because they were pounding the hell out of opposing shin pads..
  • God damn, I said it last season, but Viktor Arvidsson is a hell of a nice player. Not only did he have the Preds goal, but he had a third period breakaway where he hit the crossbar.

The Bad
  • Just under eight minutes into the game, three Hawks defenders got caught at their own blue line chasing the puck while Viktor Arvidsson snuck in behind Duncan Keith and tipped a long Filip Forsberg shot past Corey Crawford. This was only the Preds' third shot of the game.
  • Joel Quenneville didn't wait long for the line blender to fire up. He flip-flopped Tanner Kero and Nick Schmaltz about five minutes into the seconds period. Talk about going from the outhouse to the penthouse, and vice versa.

The Ugly
  • Just a few minutes after the Preds took the league, Ryan Hartman did his best Andrew Shaw impression, taking a weak offensive zone penalty. The Hawks eventually killed the powerplay but as soon as Hartman got out of the box he egregiously turned the puck over deep in the Hawks zone, and nearly cost them another goal. Not a great first playoff period for the kid.
  • My biggest criticism of Duncan Keith is his inability to create clean shooting lanes, and it was blatantly evident in the beginning of this game. So evident that Trevor van Riemsdyk was able to make clear adjustment and made everyone watching wonder, once again, why Keith cannot figure this out.
  • While the powerplay got some pressure in the first period, the Blackhawks were 0-2, and that's the game, Folks.
  • With under a minute remaining in regulation and his goalie on the bench Duncan Keith decided it was better to gently hand the puck over to the Preds instead of try and shoot. This defies any logic, but then again, so did Calle Jarnkrok when he decided to they and force a bad pass instead of just hitting the open net.
  • It looks like Mark Lazarus fired up that stupid #PearlJamCounter again. I swear to imaginary zombie Christ that I will shame him into silence, or until he blocks me, if this continues for 2 more months.

The #Fatrick Stankus Fatsy Stats
  • I'd love for the Corsi clowns to explain this one to me. The Blackhawks almost doubled up the Preds in 5-on-5 Corsi, 57-33, and 66-36 overall. Oh right, when your numbers don't fit, just shout "SCORE EFFECTS!". Bullshit.
  • The only player on the Blackhawks that had negative Corsi numbers were the makeshift 4th line of John Hayden, Nick Schmaltz, and Jordin Tootoo.
  • Duncan Keith, Nik Hjalmarsson, Artemi Panarin, Artem Anisimov and Patrick Kane were all in double digits as far as Corsi goes.

The Lineblender
Left Wing - Center - Right Wing
Schmaltz - Toews - Panik
Panarin - Anisimov - Kane
Hartman - Kruger - Hossa
Hayden - Kero - Tootoo

Keith - Hjalmarsson
Oduya - Seabrook
van Riemsdyk - Campbell


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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Puckin Hostile Shoutcast
Episode 81


In this 81st Puckin Hostile Shoutcast (the demigod Marian Hossa episode) Gatekeeper, Fatrick, Bryan, and Norton wrap up the Blackhawks regular season, and preview the playoffs.

The topics discussed include:
-The crew is looking to take on some new blood
-Staff brackets and the Puckin Hostile bracket challenge league
-More replay tools on the benches these playoffs
-Coach/GM moves in Dallas, Vancouver, Los Angeles and New York
-Russians already flaking out over the Olympics subject
-Artem Anisimov is back
-Hawks played two final games vs the Ducks and Kings
-Several reader questions
-And of course, as always, an abundance of extremely inappropriate references and jokes in incredibly bad taste

You can find the episode on iTunes by following this link: iTunes

Get the Shoutcast directly though Soundcloud here:


For all your custom jersey needs visit Black and Tan Sports at:
http://www.facebook.com/BlackAndTanSports
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Thursday, April 6, 2017

Puckin Hostile Shoutcast
Episode 80


In this off week 80th Puckin Hostile Shoutcast (the Antoine Vermette episode) Gatekeeper, Fatrick (for a short time), Bryan, Norton and the guys from the Talkin Hawks Podcast talk about the Blackhawks lacklustre fight to the bitter end of the season.

The topics discussed include:
-The ghastly goons pay a surprise visit to Gate's playoff game, Sunday.
-The impastanator is created
-More pizza talk
-Breaking News: Norton will eat everything
-Dog emergency in Gate's house
-Blackhawks recall Vinnie Hinostroza, and Gustav Forsling
-Blackhawks clinch the Western Conference
-Hawks played some games vs the Penguins, Blue Jackets, Bruins, and Avalanche
-And of course, as always, an abundance of extremely inappropriate references and jokes in incredibly bad taste

You can find the episode on iTunes by following this link: iTunes

Get the Shoutcast directly though Soundcloud here:


For all your custom jersey needs visit Black and Tan Sports at:
http://www.facebook.com/BlackAndTanSports
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Sunday, April 2, 2017

Blackhawks vs Bruins
3-2 Loss Recap

"You Don't Know"

by Gatekeeper


The Boston Bruins were in town Sunday for the Blackhawks 2016-17 home finale, on NBC no less. These matinee games are both a blessing and curse. We get the game out of the way, and still have the day ahead of us, but people like #Fatrick actually have to roll out of bed before the crack of 2PM, which is a tall task for the Drunkasaurus. To add to the drama, Patrick Kane took a puck off the stick of Marian Hossa right in the yap, and had to go off for stitches. This caused a needless beat writer uproar, for about twenty minutes. As far as the game went, the Bruins backup goaltender, Anton Khudobin, was in net with Tuukka Rask taking the Sunday off.


Drawn by cartoonist Mike Spicer (@SpicerToon)

After all the Patrick Kane pregame fireworks, the Bruins came out and took an early lead before most of us wiped the sleep out of our eyes. They followed up by scoring a powerplay goal with under two minutes remaining. The rest of the period was incredibly boring, to be honest. Neither of the goals were anything special and the broadcast team had to resort to a plethora of inane fluff in an attempt to keep the TV audience interested. So, the opening period was forgettable to say the least, even thought the Blackhawks out shot the Bruins 16-11.

The second period was much like the first period, with few flashes of excitement. Joel Quenneville switched up the defense pairings to the "ol faithful" of Keith/Seabrook and Oduya/Hjalmarsson, which solidified things on the Hawks end of the ice some, but did little for the offense. Eventually, the Blackhawks were able to cut the Bruins lead on half really late, but that was basically all the offense we saw in the entire twenty minutes. The shots on net favored Boston slightly 12-11.

The Blackhawks left themselves a tall order in the third period, entering third period play down by a goal. The Bruins did the Hawks no help by adding a goal half way through the period, even though the Blackhawks chopped that lead back down to one, just 25 seconds after. Unfortunately for the home team, this is all the scoring we would see in this game, and a late Blackhawks flurry would fail, even though the Hawks out shot the Bruins 16-6 in the final frame. Not like the Blackhawks had much to play for anyway.


The Good
  • With just under two minutes remaining in the second period the Blackhawks cut the Bruins lead to one goal on a pretty odd goal. #DickFuckingPanik got tied up with Brandon Carlo and ended up going into the net behind Khudobin pretty hard. The puck eventually worked it's way to the stick of Artemi Panarin with a wide open net in front of him. Panarin actually beat Khudobin but hit Panik, who was over the goal line. This should have counted as the initial goal, but Panarin dunked the rebound just for good measure. He definitely owes Panik a public #McPology
  • Twenty five seconds after Kevan Miller increased the Bruins lead, the Blackhawks closed it back down, from and unlikely source. Jordin Tootoo. Cam Neely Jr, aka John Hayden, controlled the puck and fed Tootoo nicely from the corner. Tootoo was wide open and able to slam it home through Khudobin's 5-hole. That Tootoo has better 5-hole action than @PDNorton3. Of course, John Hayden has been invisible for 3 games and when he finally does something everyone is jumping in his jock to give him a handy. I like the kid too but, Jesus. Did everyone miss, on that same play, that Jordin Tootoo miraculously scored, too? Is he a legit sniper now too? Or is that praise only for rookies?
    This line played all less than 9:30, with Tootoo playing a team least 6:18. There is a reason for this.
  • Anton Khudobin had a great game. Saving 41 of 43 against the best team in the west, is very noteworthy.
  • It wasn't pretty but #DickFuckingPanik keeps adding to his scoring totals. At some point, the naysayers have to acknowledge his 22-21-43 as somewhat legit.

    Or keep the snarky comments coming, and look even more foolish.

The Bad
  • The Bruins drew first blood at the six and a half minute mark of the first period. The ancient Zdeno Chara just unleashed a pretty harmless shot on Corey Crawford, from the blue line, and Ryan Spooner redirected it over Crawford's glove. Not really a highlight reel goal, but it was really early for all of us, apparently.
  • As the Bruins opened the period, they closed the period. Just as Zdeno Chara stepped out of the penalty box, after serving his egregious penalty against Tanner Kero, Brad "The Rat" Marchand fed Patrice Bergeron, while changing the angle on net, for a clean one timer goal. Another goal that Crawford had a solid shot on.
  • Halfway through the third period, Boston plug Ke-VAN Miller waltzed through the Blackhawks defense and ripped a shot over Corey Crawford's glove to give the Bruins back a two goal lead. Who spells their name "K-E-V-A-N" anyway? Illiterate parents, that's who.
  • Late in the third period, Brad Marchand was one-on-one with noted muscle man Artemi Panarin, and Panarin ended up putting Marchand down on his ass.

The Ugly
  • I like Greg Wyshynski, I really honestly do, but I had enough of the whining because the Blackhawks happen to be good; often. In this day and age Blackhawks fans are actually supposed to #McPologize for being a successful franchise, I guess. Like Andrew Cieslak once said, If you are upset the Blackhawks are always good and always on TV, how about your your stupid franchise beats them and wins something. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up. Bunch of whiny, immature, jealous babies. They won't be good forever, and maybe not much longer, let us enjoy it while it's in progress.

The #Fatrick Stankus Fatsy Stats
  • Hjalmarsson, Keith, Hossa, Hartman and Kruger were the only Blackhawks with negative Corsi while Zdeno Chara, alone, was a -21.
  • That fatass quitter #SteadilyDecliningJonathanToews led the Blackahwks with a plus 17 Corsi, tied with Johnny Oduya.

The Lineblender
Left Wing - Center - Right Wing
Schmaltz - Toews - Panik
Panarin - Kero - Kane
Hartman - Kruger - Hossa
Hayden - Rasmussen - Tootoo

Keith - Hjalmarsson
Oduya - Seabrook
Campbell - van Riemsdyk




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Saturday, April 1, 2017

Blackhawks vs. Blue Jackets
3-1 Win Recap

"I Am The Walrus"


Patrick Norton


After dismantling the defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins on Wednesday night, the Blackhawks returned to face off with former Central division member, the Columbus Blue Jackets. Both teams had surpassed the century mark in the points column, so similarly to Wednesday night’s tilt, it wouldn’t be an easy one on paper. The Blue Jackets have a surging goaltender in Sergei Bobrovsky, but credit must be given where credit is due: Coach John Tortorella. Torts was the finishing touch on the Jackets’ organization and they’ve taken off since his hiring. Meanwhile, the guy on the other bench has been pretty successful himself. Quenneville, lineblender and all, has the Blackhawks on the cusp of a franchise record in regular season wins. Sitting at forty-nine, the record is fifty-two set by the 2009-2010 squad, but only five games remain on the schedule.

Anyway, there was a game to be played. The first period started with a bang. An early penalty on Brandon Dubinsky for cross-checking Niklas Hjalmarsson gave the Blackhawks a powerplay twenty-eight seconds in. Four seconds into the PP, Artemi Panarin rifled home his twenty-seventh goal of the season with assists credited to Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. The goal extended Panarin’s goal streak to three games. After minutes of back and forth end-to-end skating and physical play, Columbus finally broke through with Nick Foligno’s twenty-fifth of the season after the Blackhawks couldn’t exit the defensive zone. Then, just twenty seconds later, a hot pass from Kane to Hossa and the Demi God displaying great patience, the Blackhawks regained a one-goal advantage. The period ended with a minor scrum, but somehow the Blue Jackets walked away with the only penalty, this one to be served to begin the second period.

Okay, let me tell the truth. I fell asleep during intermission and missed from the 20:00 - 54:30 minute mark. Our official unofficial photoshopper, the honorable Governor William J. LePetomane let me know how the missed thirty-five minutes went. “He skated this way, then that guy skated that way…” Dynamite drop-in, Monte. That broadcast school has really paid off.

Let’s pick it back up with five to go in the third. With the Blackhawks grasping to their one-goal lead, the Blue Jackets were in desperation mode. Luckily for the Blackhawks, Columbus just couldn’t strike one past Crawford. The game clincher came when Kane added his third assist of the night for a Panarin empty-netter. Blackhawks win another against the superior Metropolitan division, 3-1.

The Good


  • That’s FIFTY wins this season. It’s just the second time the Blackhawks have reached this feat in franchise history. With four games remaining, if the Hawks can pull off three more victories, it’ll be a franchise record. Also, one more point gained by the Hawks or lost by Minnesota clinches home ice throughout the Western Conference playoffs for the Blackhawks.
  • Patrick Kane is on an absolute tear! Three assists tonight gives him fifty-three assists and eighty-seven points on the year. He’s second in the league and four points behind Connor McDavid for the #1 spot.
  • Artemi Panarin is reaching for another scoring bonus. With two goals tonight, he has twenty-eight goals and seventy-one points on his sophomore season. That’s good enough for eleventh place, but if he can land himself in the top ten, he’ll pick up another bonus, similar to the one he made last season.
  • #SlowlyDecliningJonathanToews added another assist and has put together a solid second half of the season after struggling in the points column until the All-Star Break.
  • Corey Crawford picked up another victory while stopping thirty-two out of thirty-three shots faced. Nice to hopefully have Crawford back in a solid rhythm just in time for another playoff run.
  • It was a spectacular night for the penalty kill. They kept momentum away from Columbus as the Jackets went 0/4 on the man-advantage.
  • Meanwhile, the man-advantage for the Blackhawks brought their first goal in eleven powerplays. Panarin struck gold in the slot thirty seconds into game to give the Blackhawks the early edge.
  • I took a great nap throughout the majority of tonight’s game. It was glorious.


The Bad


  • I’m still waiting to see how many goals Gate gave up in his game tonight. I’d imagine it was a lot, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. UPDATE: Five goals. Yikes!
  • The turnover that led to Nick Foligno’s first period tally was unfortunate. Hjalmarsson’s skate blade dug into the ice and tripped him up.
  • This game was pretty boring. So boring, I slept for half of it. What did this game need? #MOARGOALZ


The Ugly


  • Columbus NEEDS to use the canon as their primary logo next season when teams are limited to two jerseys. The star thing they’re rocking now is far inferior to the coolest thing about that franchise.
  • Classic Twitter falling head over heels for Brandon Saad on United Center ice. Sure, I miss him, too, but I’m satisfied with paying Artemi Panarin and having Richard Panik compliment Toews on the top line.
  • This recap. Not the best, but it’s all I could do after watching twenty-five out of sixty minutes of gameplay. Nobody’s reading anyway. Big thanks to The Governor () for his solid analysis of the other thirty-five minutes. He's not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks!
The Greatest

  • John Hayden played 9:08 tonight. He played less than all except one: Jordin Tootoo. #TemperExpectations #FutureHealthyScratch
Song Trivia: The song "I Am The Walrus" by the Beatles includes the line "I am the Eggman, I am the walrus." Until very recently, Eddie Olczyk believed the lyric was "breadman", not "eggman." If you ever hear him say "cuckoo cuchoo" after a Panarin goal, it's in reference to the Beatles song. So, while it's not a heavy metal tune, with Panarin netting two goals tonight, the title of tonight's recap fit too well. THE MORE YOU KNOW.
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