"Down With The Sickness"
By Patrick Norton
Hockey bloggers are tougher than any other sports bloggers. Here’s your proof: Fatrick is forcing Uncle Rozsival to rub Bengay all over the hard-to-reach spots on his ailing back, Gate was busy or sick, but nobody really cares, so I stepped up. Sure enough, I haven’t been able to see, breathe or speak, my sinuses are so congested. But here at Puckin’ Hostile, there is no giving up. No matter how trashy this recap is, it’s in your newsfeed shortly after the game goes final. So here it is - I win - This is the worst recap of all time.
The first period was nasty crap - kind of like what I’ve been dropping today. While neither team could find the back of the net, the Dallas Stars handed the Blackhawks a gift from God with two horribly unsuccessful powerplays in the first frame. The period was essentially a back and forth youth hockey game where the teams struggle to enter the zone.
The second period started before the Blackhawks could even get out of the dressing room and eight seconds in, the Stars broke the game’s cherry. Radek Faksa put one past Crawford and once again, the Blackhawks were caught sleeping. Then, Chicago found their bearings and picked up their pace. Tanner Kero muscled through the defense of Dallas, slid a puck through the slot to an open Ryan Hartman and Hartman did not miss. With the score knotted at one, Chicago wasn’t finished in the period. Gustav Foreskin rifled a laser from the point and just like old times, it deflected off of Patrick Sharp to give the visitors the lead. Heading into the third up by one hasn’t ended successfully for the Blackhawks as of late, so skepticism was warranted from the hockey analysts during the WGN Intermission Report, right? Well, they didn’t exactly do that, but I’ll get into that a little later.
Sure as God made green apples, the Blackhawks would give away their lead early in the third frame. Jamie Benn netted his sixteenth of the year less than a full minute removed from the intermission and suddenly, we had a new game on our hands. Then, in what seemed like seconds, not minutes later, Tyler Seguin caught Corey Crawford out of position when the Stars’ forward stole the puck from the grasps of Gustav Forsling behind the visitors nets. And just like that, the Blackhawks trailed. But Patrick Kane settled down a bouncing puck, went forehand-backhand, and beat Kari Lehtonen to even up the score, once again. With little time remaining and OT seemingly on the horizon, Artem Anisimov unsuccessfully crashed the net, but with a lack of mental capacity, Lehtonen left the puck uncovered. Here’s where it gets wild: Trevor van Riemsdyk stuffed it home. Yes, that TVR. I was just as shocked. Crawford and the Hawks were tasked with holding onto the one goal lead for the next four minutes, and just when you thought Jamie Benn had an empty net, Ryan Hartman dove and deflected the shot away. Soon after, Artemi Panarin drew a penalty and for the final thirty seconds, the Blackhawks teed off on an empty net finding no success netting their fifth tally of the night. Finally, with 00.9 on the clock, Toews ripped an uncontested shot into the back of the net and that’s all she wrote. Hawks escape, 5-3.
The Good
- Another plus performance for Ryan Hartman and Tanner Kero. Kero was successful in even strength draws and assisted on the first goal for the team donning an Indian head.
- Ryan Hartman put a tally in the goal column AND preserved the lead with an excellent desperation shot block.
- Toews scored. That buys us three nights meatball-free.
- Patrick Kane’s goal was too beautiful to assess. Overpowering the defense and using pure skill and speed, Kane slipped the puck by Lehtonen. Too easy.
- Besides three shifts that resulted in goals, the defense wasn’t too bad and stepped up late against the high powered stars of the Stars.
- The penalty kill was successful and did not allow a single tally over the course of three minor penalties.
- Jordin Tootoo beat up on Antoine Roussel, but left the game due to a bloody nose… best of both worlds.
- TVR scored following up an Anisimov stuff attempt. Not bad.
- Patrick Sharp tallied for the Hawks. Will that count toward his career total with the team when he’s back in a week?
The Bad
- When allowing the three goals, the defense looked outmatched and unprepared. Can’t happen three times in one game.
- Corey Crawford wasn’t all-too impressive, though, so forget what I said about the silencing of the meatballs because they’re already in Gate’s mentions.
- We’re all in pretty bad shape here at Puckin’ Hostile. I mean way too sick and generally large. Let’s just say Jaeckel gave us an STD (Skype Transmitted Disease). Luckily, Froster has a horrible memory, alarm clock, or both and is chugging along healthier than ever.
- The offense could’ve found themselves down here, but three third period goals spared them the dignity.
The Ugly
- Here’s what you’ve been waiting for - my Dr. Konroyd rant of the night. First off, he was the color man, but Pat Foley was providing more insightful analysis throughout the night. Secondly, instead of talking about the second period during the intermission, Kaptain Kanadaroyd and “Tits McGee” (Fatrick’s name for the WGN broad) fantasized about a possible return of deadweight-deadbraincells Patrick Sharp to the franchise he’s won three Stanley Cups with. In other news, Cheryl Scott has announced her move to WGN news as their new meteorologist following the mysterious disappearance of Tom Skilling. Sorry, y’all, but it’s not happening now, no matter how hard you… dream.
*I'm sure tonight's title has been used before, but it's fitting with the crew under the weather. Actually turns out Gate was playing a hockey game. Contrary to popular belief, Gate didn't give up a touchdown, but the final was 3-2. No word on whether Gate actually played or if he was the backup for "performance reasons."
