Thursday, November 26, 2015

A Very Hostile Thanksgiving

by Gatekeeper

I thought I would put together a little piece and share what we, at Puckin Hostile, are thankful for, so here goes:

I'll take the top of the first inning:
  • I'm thankful for the San Jose Sharks and their annual reverse sweep choke job, so we can all wonder in amazement, each spring, how Doug Wilson maintains employment. (hint - dirty pictures of someone important)
  • I'm thankful for Brandon Saad, bringing the Blackhawks Corey Tropp,

    as well as a couple of other slugs named Artem Anisimov and Marko Dano,

    Following a simply genius and precisely calculated move by the Blackhawks brass, in the 2011 draft, letting Saad fall ass backwards into their lap,

    After they passed on Saad not one; not two; but THREE times in 42 picks.
  • I'm thankful for Don Sweeney, who is single-handedly and swiftly dismantling the once mighty WICKED GOOD BAWSTUHN FAHKIN BROONS, so we don't have to listen to that fan base yapping about winning DA STAAANLEY FAHKIN COP for another few years.
  • I'm thankful for Stadium Series games, because we can can count on these games to incite the immense asshurt each year from the fanbases of all the embarrassingly shitty teams that don't and, quite frankly, shouldn't get selected.
  • I'm thankful for #3CUPZ, so the drooling meatballs have their idiotic and painfully ignorant battle cry.
  • I'm thankful for Corey Crawstink. I'm thankful that the Blackhawks could never win two Stanley Cups with that shitty loser. I'm thankful that his glove is the worst in the league. I'm thankful he didn't turn down the $6 million a year he was offered, like he was supposed to. I'm thankful for the multiple William Jennings trophies that the legendary Ray Emery, Scott Darling and Antti Raanta won for him.
  • In all seriousness, I'm thankful for this Puckin Hostile team we have. It's really nice to have a crew to enjoy all this seething sarcasm with.

From our McRib spokesperson and likely candidate for dangerously high cholesterol Pat Stankus:
  • I'm thankful for the fatness of Ken Hitchcock. As long as Hitchcock is around, the Fatrick jokes will continue to be lame and nothing but a lie when compared to that fat ass in St. Louis.
  • I'm thankful for David Backes skating with his head down. If it weren't for Backes' shitty hockey skills, WAKEY, WAKEY would be around.
  • I'm thankful for Joel Quenneville's ego. If it weren't for Q being a know it all and throwing out his bat shit fucking crazy lines, I'd, or all of us would have nothing to bitch about.
  • I'm thankful for Mike Keenan and John Tortorella being fantastic hockey coaches. God forbid we have coaches that speak the truth. Speaking of that Ryan Johansen is still fat and out of shape. (editors note - Your dream is not still alive)
  • I'm thankful for Artem Anisimov. Thanks for being a great translator of English to Artemi Panarin.
  • I'm thankful for the Arizona Coyotes. Thanks for being the first NHL team to incorporate the future city they'll be relocated to in their jerseys. I mean we all want #MOARBLACK and so does Las Vegas.
  • I'm thankful for Ville Pokka. Thanks for making me look like the manliest man possible. (editors note - which is a hard feat)
  • I'm thankful for Daniel Carcillo retiring.

From our resident intarwebz troll and Photoshop guy Derek Harms:
  • I'm thankful for The St. Louis Blues, for continuing to follow the same formula that has brought them so much success.
  • I'm thankful for Chik-Fil-A and McRibs, for fueling Pat's poorly timed Konstantinov and Lokomotiv jokes
  • I'm thankful for the amazing Dallas Stars goalie tandem, that will eventually lead them valiantly to a first round playoff exit
  • I'm thankful for the Blackhawks and Joel Quenneville, for constantly playing young skilled players over the aging Vets they mysteriously sign just to reach the cap floor
  • I'm thankful for the NHL implementing a cocaine policy so we don't have to play the Los Angeles Kings in anymore Western Conference Final


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